Rocking the Boat
by my.mary.alice
Summary: BarneyxTed, rated M, pre-slash; Ted and Barney get drunk together and though Barney insists it's just the alcohol Ted wonders if they really should be doing this.
1. Chapter 1

"Ted, Ted!"

"Barney?"

An intense stare. The longer it lasts, the stranger it gets. Ted feels the urge to lean in, towards Barney. Why did everything always gravitate towards Barney like that? How did he do it, how did he manage to have everything attracted to him, how did he draw and pull everything in? How did this work, how did everything always end up orbiting around Barney in wide swirls, while he stands, unfazed, in the centre of it all?

"We need more beer!"

Ted finds he can only agree. Standing up turns out much more complicated than he remembers. Has everything always swayed like this? Even when he doesn't move it seems that everything is swimming out of his focus, like the room tries to sneakily revolve around a slightly tilted axis (Barney?). He makes it to the fridge – eventually. And he manages to return back to Barney and the safety of the couch. The couch is his boat; it keeps him over water in his unreasonable swaying and rocking apartment.

He tosses Barney the beer, and surprisingly, he catches it, which Ted acknowledged with cheering and a whistle.

Down the beer goes, and then another one. This is shit-wasted, and as they pass the usual states of their getting-shit-wasted-together routine – like now the fun-state, where all is giggling (and occasionally tickling), mounting in hysterical fits of laughter – Ted finds that this really only works with Barney.

There comes the somber-sad-state, where they stare into space for undefined spans of time, the air growing thick around them. Sometimes this ends in murderous attempts involving the pizza-boy (who, they are convinced, is the cause of whatever it is that made them somber-sad-ish) and the cushion. Sometimes those moments end in a revival of the hysterical laughter over the pizza, like tonight.

The salami is grinning at them.

"Dude," Ted suddenly interrupts, pressing a hand on Barney's mouth tightly, killing the laughter, "It's nearly 2:30 a.m.!"

Barney looks at him scandalized, then a little outraged as he tries to pry Ted's hand of his mouth. This only has Ted move closer to lean in. He whispers into Barney's ear conspiratorially and in the process nearly smears tomato sauce all over Barney's cheek.

"Dude, quick, we need to think about something!"

Barney's eyebrows wander up.

"Seriously dude, you know how nothing good happens after 3 a.m.? Quick, we need to…to- OUCH!"

Under Ted's hurt and reproachful look as he winces and holds his hand, instead of an apology, from Barney only comes more laughter.

"See? See? It's already started! You bit me! How's that anything good?"

"Ted," Barney presses between gasps for air and giggles, "you're such a jerk!"

This earns Barney a smack to the back of his head, and then, before either really knew what happened, it turns into a couch fight. But the apartment turns against Ted, as it chooses that particular moment to tilt towards the right sharply, so Ted is forced down on the couch and Barney, favored by the spin, ends up on top of him and definitely winning whatever it is this is. Though gracelessly, 'cause falling on top of him has no class whatsoever, Ted insists. Or he thinks he did anyway, in his head at least.

And then everything gets pretty weird pretty fast.

Ted's head is spinning, or maybe the apartment is, and it's most definitely the apartment to blame for all of this anyway, and then Barney's weight slowly disappears and after being crushed it feels like floating upwards, which makes absolutely no sense at all. But the white of Barney's dress shirt hovers above him, and an intoxicating smell seems to pour from it, and then there is a sparkling blue that fixes him intensely.

The weird energy makes an appearance again; Ted knows it is there, he can feel it. But just as he wonders how it will do fighting gravity, for Barney is above him, and it would have to push him upwards and against gravity in order to draw him towards the white and blue, something happens. Ted was convinced that this was Barney's secret. That it was his power, a gift or maybe an ability, to draw everything in. But as he lays on the couch Ted begins to wonder if that is true at all, because this time it is Barney who leans in, who leans down and towards Ted, and for once Ted feels that maybe, just maybe, he _does_ have some effect at Barney after all. But honestly, how could Ted have ever expected this? Barney was the gravity centre, not he, so why would Barney lean in?

But all thoughts shatter the moment Barney's lips touch his, the musing and the boat-rocking apartment and the beer and the gravity vs. Barney's own gravity and the silly pizza-boy incidents and the let's get-shit-wasted-together, it all just vanishes.

This is smooth, it is electrical and somehow promising, and also utterly wrong, which is why, after a heartbeat, Ted pushes against Barney's chest with both his hands. Barney budges a tiny inch; it is barely enough room for protest, especially with Barney's smell smashed between them.

And god he smells _so_ _good_.

"Barney, what the hell?"

"It's alright, dude, just the alcohol," Barney murmurs, and Ted's not convinced, he knows he shouldn't be satisfied with that answer, that this is definitely _not_ what Barney should have said, but Barney's breath ghosts over Ted's cheek and he misses a beat, paralyzed for a second.

Only a second, though. Then it is all shoving again, because Ted feels that he really, _really_ ought to try a little harder to get Barney off of him, more specifically that he really, _really_ ought to _want_ to get Barney off of him – which maybe he doesn't. Also he is pretty sure _Barney_ ought to want to get off of him and more importantly ought to want to want to get off and, let's not forget, ought to want Ted to want this too – the getting off thing, of course.

And then Ted gets _scared_ `cause the pushing really _doesn't_ seem to help at all, and what is even worse, Barney ignores it completely.

And then the leaning in starts again and Ted knows what is coming, and since Barney doesn't seem demoralized by his attempts at pushing him away, he tries and resorts to the don't-move-tactic, and really it's more from shock than a tactic, though Ted wouldn't admit that. So he tries not to move at all.

He tries really hard. But Barney is trying really hard too.

But really, through the haze and the alcohol, Ted knows he has to stay still, 'cause if he'll as much as breath Barney'd take that as encouragement and then things would start to get really out of hand.

But Barney above him is so _alive_ and _enthusiastic_ that it is hard to not just open his mouth already and give it a go, but maybe the tactic is working, because now Barney _is_ getting frustrated at his lack of response and this is good, Ted supposes, this means this madness will stop now and they can just go back to drinking and laughing and trying to knock out the pizza-boy with a mug.

"Dude," Barney huffs, "not cool!"

Ted hopes he means the whole _kissing_ thing 'cause that would mean they can pretend this never happened, but Ted suspects that Barney is merely annoyed at how uncooperative he is being and that would mean _more_ and _soon_ and _much_ and he doesn't like the thought of Barney trying his best on this- on _him_.

He should have known better than to try to say something, he should have known that Barney would only take advantage of that, of him, and as soon as he parts his lips to tell Barney to get the hell off of him there is a tongue in his mouth and first it tastes like pizza, then like beer, and then that washes away and leaves Ted with the disturbing realization that he now knows exactly what Barney tastes like.

Everything seems jumbled, and the spinning becomes worse the longer this lasts, because really? Barney is kissing his _brains_ out. It all shuts down. Just like that. Ted has to admit that Barney knows what he is doing, because this feels _so good_.

Barney's tongue works its way through his mouth and does things that get Ted ridiculously excited when a second before he swore to himself he _wouldn't_ enjoy this, and this is now very obviously proved a lie, 'cause really it's hard to feel bad with this, and now Ted feels himself respond, which seems the only reasonable thing to do right now, so he tries and kisses back, only a _little_, but oh man, does that get Barney _going_. Ted really can't help it, this has him _moan_ into Barney's mouth, and now Ted can feel Barney's lips curl up in that triumphant smirk, and Ted realizes he didn't stand a chance from the beginning.

And then there are hands in his hair and weight pressed against him and warmth in his cheeks and breath on his ear and tugging and puffs of air and his fingers digging into the cushion and feverishly spinning and a tongue gliding over his neck and red-hot tickling and then there is skin and then it all gets too much-

"Barney, please," Ted manages, and it is breathless and sounds more like a plea than anything else.

Ted knows he can't stop this on his own, he feels so weak and at Barney's mercy and the shoving hadn't helped and now everything is spinning and he is going down, drowning in the intensity of this.

And Barney looks him in the eyes and then he gets all soft, and for a second Ted is sure they're finally gonna stop, but then Barney bents down again and suddenly the pace is slow and it gets ridiculously sweet.

This, Ted thinks, is even worse, this he really can't take, this is far too much and way out of proportion.

And then a hand sneaks under his shirt and fabric rustles, and as Barney turns his attention to Ted's chest all Ted can do is breath.

Really, he knows Barney is a sneaky bastard and this is only to distract Ted from protesting _again_, but who is he kidding? It works. He doesn't really know what is going on and what exactly Bareney's doing, but concentrating on Barney's tongue makes everything seem so horribly overwhelming, though at the same time it feels _so good_.

The hotness and the lump in Ted's throat are bearable, and he figures that since whatever this is is in full swing now anyway he really doesn't need to think about it that much. There's a moment when it's really hard to ignore the nagging, but then Barney's fingers dig into his hips and he nips at his collarbone, and without Ted wanting his body wants to rear up at the sensation and he throws his head back and all thoughts are gone, because Ted seriously gets lost in this, and all he can do to not feel that helpless is to twine his fingers into Barney's hair, 'cause he figures since Barney's touching, he's allowed to touch too. And now, whenever he feels like it he can _pull_ and oh, he likes Barney's reaction to that, so he gets a little adventurous and grips Barney's shoulder, and goes under the dress shirt, and now Barney starts something new in the area of his neck and ear and this has Ted dig his nails into Barney's back in return.

But now Barney comes up and suddenly Ted realizes just how hard he's breathing and he hates how Barney gets all smug at the sight of him, but it also turns him _on_ to have Barney look at him like that.

Really, are they supposed to be doing this?

And then just when Barney dives in to do things to Ted's neck and shoulder, just as Ted's vision blurs from the haze of lust this sends him into, his head falls to the left and he can see the clock on their TV, green glooming in the darkness.

It causes Ted to move, and Barney gets all enthusiastic, until he realizes Ted is trying to shove him away again. And when he finally retreats Ted nods to the clock and Barney sees what has him upset: 2:59 a.m.

They share a look and then they both scramble to their feet, finally two separate beings again. And as Barney starts to gather up his clothes – he can't find his tie – Ted frowns and grabs a hold of Barney's tie, which he failed to notice still dangling around his neck. Next thing Barney knows, Ted grabs two beers and pulls him towards his bedroom.

Which is a good thing, because the second the door closes, Lily and Marshall let themselves in with their spare key, like they sometimes do when they feel they have no time to get to their own damn apartment to do it and instead borrow their old room – or even Ted's couch – and then they disappear at the nightly hour and the next day they all pretend Ted doesn't notice.

Only the next day Lily and Marshall pretend they didn't notice.


	2. Chapter 2

This picks up right where we left enjoy, and remember – comments are love!

**Part 2 – Where there's dirty talk**

Barney stands in the centre of Ted's bedroom now, and Ted is pressing his ear against the door and mouths "Marshall and Lily" at him, and Barney gets it.

They hear a door clicking shut, and distant giggling, and Ted stays at the door longer than necessary, but he really, really needs to get away from Barney's scent for a bit.

What is _wrong_ with him?

He grabs the beer and gulps half of it down. That helps. It restarts the staggering a bit, and the soberness he felt just a moment ago fades into the background and sulks in the back of his head. Ted doesn't want to be sober. Going back to the shit-wasted part of the evening feels like the most sensible way to deal with this…_situation_.

Barney seems to grow impatient now, because he throws him a look, but Ted really can't look him in the eyes right now, this is too awkward, even half-drunk he can't do this. Barney sighs and comes over, straightening his dress shirt (how can it be so flawlessly white and unruffled?), and Ted realizes he is about to leave, so he reaches out too, his hand acting on its own, and now both of their hands are on the doorknob.

Barney's is on top. Figures.

Ted's nose wrinkles. He knows he's just buying time. He needs to think about this before he decides if he really wants this or wants Barney to leave and what he generally wants and expects and thinks and anyway he's just too confused.

But to himself he has to admit he – his hand – stopped Barney from leaving, which seems to mean he- his _hand_ wants Barney to stay. Even in his thoughts this sounds gross and _wrong_, and there's no way he'll let Barney know it. At least not with words. It would come out wrong. Definitely gooey. Douchey.

Maybe Barney knows what to do, maybe he understands this. 'Cause Ted doesn't have a clue what to do or say.

Barney turns his upper body towards Ted now and Ted realizes it's a reaction to not being let trough. He seriously has to stop spacing out like that. He can feel Barney looking down at him questioningly. He's just an inch away. Ted still can't look at him, but he moves a tiny bit so his nose is at Barney's neck and the smell is _there_ and he just has to take a deep breath and hold it. With a sigh, he releases it. He can feel Barney shiver a bit. That makes him smile – seems like he definitely _has_ some effect on Barney.

Barney bends down a tiny bit and his lips brush over Ted's ear lightly. He's so close Ted can hear him bite down on his lower lip before he feels a tiny stream of air and then the warm wetness of Barney's tongue at his ear shell. Now it's Ted's turn to shiver.

"You're over thinking this, Mosby."

That's really all it takes. Ted takes another deep breath, sighs and _locks_ the door.

Now he finally looks at Barney, and in an instant wishes he hadn't, because Barney looks at him with unbelievable smugness. Is he really that easy to manipulate?

Ted tells himself it's the alcohol, and halfway through that thought he thinks he ought to tell Barney that, because for one thing it's only fair, and second he doesn't want the smug bastard to think he's that stupid of a lay. Not like there's gonna be laying tonight, he adds as an after-thought.

"Barney?"

"Ted?"

"It's just the alcohol," Ted murmurs into Barney's neck. The bastard smells good.

Ted feels Barney grin. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude," he whispers into his ear.

Ted doesn't like the sound of that, it is too much like something Barney would say to one of his chicks, and also the truth in it is too obvious for Ted to ignore, and he is trying to ignore lots of things right now. Ted pushes Barney away, and surprisingly this time Barney goes with it and actually steps back.

And then Barney's eyes widen as if he has a sudden realization, and the grinning is back.

"You're scared."

Ted freezes.

"No I'm not."

But he missed the beat.

"Yes you are, you totally are. You're chickening out!"

Ted can't deny it, not with Barney so far away, absolutely not pressed against him, not touching him, not drawing him in.

He still tires.

"Barney, of all the ways I could feel about this…this…_situation_, why of all things would I be scared? You know there's still freaking out, worked up, curious as to your shift in sexual preferences, confused,…" and Ted tells him every possible emotion or state of mind, the list is excruciatingly long and some words pain them more them others, while some, Ted can tell, amuse Barney, "…and last but not least _disgusted_."

"Please." Barney dismisses that last word, but not offhandedly like when asked about his job, more a little offended, as if the concept of something he does not being _pleasurable_ insults him personally.

And now it's Barney's turn, and he plays well, "You wanna know what's really going on? You're over thinking, over analyzing and most of all, teding out over this."

With every word he comes nearer until Ted's finally in his cologne-radius again, and Ted's sure he does that on purpose to torture him or something. Or maybe he's just paranoid like that. He wants to repeat something witty, something that'll clear the smugness from Barney's face, but Barney doesn't stop; he comes nearer still, until Ted's back hits the door and Barney looms over him, a little intimidating, but also unfazed, with his hands in his pockets. And now it gets really bad, 'cause for a tiny instant images flash through Ted's mind, of himself being pressed against that very door with Barney all over him again, with Barney's hands roaming his body and in that very second he knows that he's fighting a losing battle with his stupid thinking and rationalizing.

And god help him if Barney doesn't look drop-dead _sexy_ like that.

Ted gropes around for his beer and nearly knocks it over in the process. When he finally has it, he holds it to his chest defensively and sneaks his way around Barney, who thankfully budges out of his personal space. Ted manages not to stagger on his short way to the bed. Not too much anyway.

Barney seems victorious as he follows Ted, taking a sip of his own beer. Ted sits, and it feels like something dangerous to do with Barney around, and soon enough Barney leans down and in and Ted sees himself lying on his back with Barney hovering above him – which is, of course, exactly how it had been minutes ago on the couch, but somehow doing that on a bed seems to add a whole new weight to all of this (is he over thinking again?).

That's why only a tiny moment before Barney can dip in to kiss him instead of Ted's lips he meets Ted's fingers, and Ted is leaning away and gulping down the rest of his beer in unhealthy and fast mouthfuls.

When he's finished, he wipes his mouth with his sleeve and puts the empty bottle away. Barney looks at him with amused curiosity, but when Ted eyes his still full beer, he shakes his head.

"I think you had enough, dude."

Ted nods.

"Now, for the thinking, Teddy-boy," Barney continues, and settles down comfortably beside Ted, then an arm sneaks around his waist, and Ted feels a little trapped, but somehow likes the way Barney is so casual about all of this. He's sure sitting on his bed, the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up, must _somehow_ violate Barney's user-optimized rules for safe suit-wearing. Ted guesses it's nice that for once he doesn't make a fuzz about it.

Also Ted's not sure if he can sit straight for long before collapsing or falling off, the apartment had already betrayed him once today after all, so he's grateful that Barney holds him in place.

"What exactly are you so afraid of?"

Now Barney's closeness feels intimate suddenly.

"I'm not," Ted says, slowly, "I mean, I'm trying, Barney, really. It's just really hard for me to shut my brain up. And the room started spinning again."

"How about this? I'll help you loosen up." Now Barney leans in and smiles.

"Barney? Seriously, it's like a boat or something…," Ted tries, but it goes unnoticed.

"Tell me something. What were you thinking before you went over to the bed?"

"I don't know, Barney, something about you being a bastard, I'm sure…"

Barney raises an eyebrow; it's the look he gives Ted when he wants him to spill the beans. Ted throws his hands in the air exaggerated, "I guess something about you smelling good, Barney, I don't know."

It's only half a lie, but Barney doesn't buy it, and then he leans in even closer, they're smashed together now, and Ted has the feeling Barney will play dirty to get this out of him.

He's right.

Suddenly, Barney's arm around him drops, and then Ted's pushed down on the bed and Barney still sits beside him, but at the same time is over him, but by the time Ted's slurry brain catches up – his vision seems to work slower, like he is already lying, but the movement hasn't stopped yet in front of his eyes – Barney's gone and then very near and Ted has to squeeze his eyes shut at how Barney's mouth works against his jaw. This is bad, this is the coach all over again, and Ted's defenses are weak from the beer and the general confusion, and he's sure there's moaning, and then, suddenly, it stops and Ted lies there and still everything's spinning.

"Well?" Barney asks.

"I thought..."

Ted can't say it. Ted _cant's_ tell Barney he thinks he's sexy.

Barney sighs theatrically. "Do I have to go first then?"

Ted isn't sure what exactly Barney means, until he leans in again and then Barney tells Ted _things_, he whispers words to him that first drop like honey over the shell of his ear, velvet and smooth, but then it gets so _dirty_ Ted feels his face heating up and his mouth open, an incredible stream of dirty talk washes over Ted and it seems as if Barney won't stop anytime soon, like he could go on forever, but forever Ted can't bear this, Barney's breath on his ear and neck, the words are etching themselves into Ted's brain, it is so obscene Ted feels he needs to take a shower right now. And then it changes, it goes from general dirty to specifically dirty, now Barney tells Ted things he wants to do to_ him_, and this makes Ted feel even worse, because what Barney tells him is so brazenly blunt it makes Ted wish the floor would open and swallow him up, he doesn't even have the time to feel outraged at Barney's presumptions and suggestions, he just has to _stop_ this now and forever.

"Oh, alright, alright, alright," he says loudly, "I thought you looked sexy like that! Are you happy now?"

"Very much so." A broad grin, then more smugness. "So you think I'm sexy, huh? I can't blame you, after all I'm-"

"Oh shut the hell up, you complete and utter ass!"

Unoffended, Barney stretches out beside him, propped up by his elbow. "See, that wasn't so awful now, was it? I got you to articulate your thoughts. Don't you feel better?"

"I would feel better if I could make myself forget the last two minutes."

"Oh, please." Unimpressed, Barney leans down, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, "You're a little turned on right now, aren't you?"

Ted groans, then pulls Barney down by his tie, and kisses him. Really just to shut the annoying bastard up.


End file.
